Gratias Mea

So this week we are supposed to write a sex story or a story about our sexuality. Well I guess I am going to take a kind of odd road with my story. For some reason I don’t find it at all hard or strange to share this with you guys.

Let me start my story off with saying that who we are is always part of who we were, where we have been, and who was with us. I will also be the first to say I am that girl who searched the world to fill a hole that can never really be filled by any other person than the one who made it.

Let me tell you guys about my first boyfriend. We went to church together. We saw each other in passing at school. We only saw each other in passing because I was in the eighth grade while he was a senior. You may say wow that is a big age difference but it didn’t matter to me. It didn’t seem to matter to him either. 

Don’t ask me how or why but there was a connection between us that I had never felt with anyone, and to this day I have not had that connection with anyone. We never did anything more than hold hands. He would kiss me on my forehead every now and then. He was always a gentleman.

Needless to say we ended things because age did become a factor. We have stayed friends and I search all over the place for somebody to make my heart feel the way he did. I never found it. I found friends and I found guys never found a first love again.

I thought I had lost my best friend until one night he came to my rescue once again. I think holding a hysterical 17 year old. My two very close friends were killed in a car accident and that night he came and held me while I cried. Unlike other guys he never once took advantage of my vulnerability. He just held me and let me cry. That was a long time ago seems like. But even now thanks to him and that night I realize it isn’t about what I can give to somebody or what they can give me.

Years past and we lost touch then just like always we picked up right where we left off. He still holds me when I cry and gives me hope when I don’t have any. I will gladly say yes we still have a connection like I have never had with anyone else. The one thing he has taught me is that I am beautiful and loveable on my worst days and that I am in control of which I have in my life and in my bed. Because of him and this class and the others I am taking I have found a new sense of self. I am in charge of my sexuality and my sexuality is not a bad thing. It is natural and part of me.

I guess that is a long story for a simple thing. People we are around have an impact on our sexuality. Whether it be out parents, our friends, our lovers, our teachers everybody has an impact on our sexuality and they help make it to what it is.

Things You Should Read...

Here are my responses to two blogs I found interesting. You should check them out as well.

Leana Weaver's Just a Snapshot blog post Macho Country Boy = Accepted

I have commented on one of your post already but I have to post on this one as well. My town is like that as well. Male, female, redneck, or whore. There were no in the middles or anything like that alot here was black and white. Anything gray or any other color was extremely looked down upon and talked about for.

Miriam Brook's Women Studies 301: post Homosexuality and Religion

I completely agree with your post. I can not stand a church that belittles others. That is my reason for currently not going to church. I find people use religion to justify their attitudes and hatred toward others and their "sins" but yet the Bible does not apply to the sins they commit themselves. My best friend from preschool is homosexual. He endured relentless torture in high school and to this day has only come out to a few close friends and family because he does not want the shame put on his family. I have always stood by him and will always do so and can not stand to see him hurt. I am so glad to see I am not the only one who has my beliefs

Because Hell Would Be Fabulous

         Being a Christian from the south I have heard more than once that homosexuality will send you straight to hell. I believe the church has a lot to do with the way people view homosexuality. We were told to write about the readings or how our views of sexuality have been changed, but I can’t help but to think about the movie. It just helps me to feel that much better about my views.

          I believe in Bible. I believe in its teachings. I however, think that the Bible was written for a different time. The Bible has been used as a basis of oppression for years. I do not think that was the intention of the Bible. The Bible was made as a guide to live by.

          What I find most interesting about people who use the Bible to say homosexuality is wrong are funny to me. The Bible says a sin is a sin not one is bigger than the other.  People who spout verses to back up their beliefs often tend to forget the verses that condemn themselves.

          The Bible says that lying, cheating, stealing, sex before marriage, idolizing, dishonoring your parents, and wanting what your neighbor has along with many other things are sins. If one sin sends you to hell, shouldn’t they all if they are equal?

          From a very early age I was taught that owning up to your sins and asking for forgiveness works. Being saved gets you to heaven not the sins you do or do not commit. I find it sad that the people who say no one but God can judge do the most judging. I think that churches forget they are the hands and feet and face of a God we cannot see. If I was a homosexual and had never experienced the church I would surely stay away from most.

          I had a friend once tell me if every sin in the Bible sent us to hell, well heaven would be empty. But, the thing that sticks out most to me is a church sign I saw in a photo one time. It simply said “If all the homosexuals went to hell, then hell would be fabulous.” As stereotypical as this sign is I love it because I believe that God loves us all. He is not sending anyone to hell for their sexual orientation but for the salvation they may or may not have. I fully believe it is not how you do or do not live your life but how your heart reflects your life.

Because It Isn't Lady Like and He Will Be Gay

       This week we were asked to write about a time we were told we could not do something based on gender. I have two I want to write about the first one about myself the second about my son.  The first story is from when I was in the around 13 or so. I live in the country and we do country things. We ride 4-wheelers and play in the woods and stay out past dark. The thing that stands out most for me is that one night my brother and the rest of my neighborhood (all boys) were riding 4-wheelers in the woods. We had been out all day riding and playing in the mud. When it got close to being dark my grandpa called me in. He let my brother stay out and build a fire and roast weenies in the woods with the rest of the boys. He told me when I asked why I couldn’t stay out that it was because it was not lady like to stay out past dark especially with boys. It made me so mad.

The second story is about my son. My son is 18 months old. He loves stuffed animals and shopping. He loves shoes. I get told on a regular basis that if I don’t stop letting him play with his animals and go shopping with me and he is going to be “gay”. I get told that if don’t let him play with more balls and let him get more bruises and hurt more than he is not going to be tough or a manly man. I think my son is perfect even if he loves animals. I think he has to like shopping because he is my only son and my best friend. I don’t do anything without him. He likes shoes because he can put them on himself so he feels like a big boy.

It upsets me to know that I could not play after dark because it was not what a girl did. It upsets me even more to know that at only 18 months old my son is already stereotyped because he doesn’t  have bruises and broken bones, and because he isn’t seen playing with the “boy” stuff as much as not. But in his defense I bought him trucks and cars and balls. He loves those too.

The Day I Called Myself the F Word

This assignment was to tell about the day we identified ourselves feminist. Well, let me start with what a feminist is. A feminist is someone who fights for equality of the sexes. She is a strong willed big hearted person. Her heart beats the same as any other heart. Her heart just knows that some things cannot be over looked though.

I will say I have always thought of myself somewhat of a feminist. I have always had a mother and a grandmother who have told me I can do anything I want. If I want a man’s job I can have it. If I want to stay at home and have babies and cook and clean I can, as long as it is my choice.

The day this all hit home for me was not too long ago when someone told me I could not do something. I have never been told I could not do something and this was not acceptable to me. I have a dream of becoming a professor or university employee with Ph.D. behind her name, and if I do not make it that far it will not be for lack of effort. I told that person that I could do anything I wanted to do because that is what I had always been told. They proceeded to tell me that because I am single mother that I needed to focus more on my child and not stay in school until I was 30 and then spend another 10 to 15 years trying to find a place to hire me. Talking all this into consideration I told them with little politeness that I was a woman. I came from a line of strong women who never accomplished their dreams because they were told they could not. So if it was the last thing I ever accomplished in life it was going to be that I show my son no matter what that he will know that just because his mother was a single mother or a single woman made her anything less than a wonderful human being.

They proceeded to tell me my women studies class was turning me into a feminist and I had not been it but a few weeks. I looked at him and said yes sir it is. It is showing me that I have every right to pursue my dreams and make them reality.

My Mothers Made Me Strong

In the novel, The Red Tent, Anita Diamant wrote, “If you want to understand any woman you must first ask about her mother and then listen carefully. [...] The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life—without flinching or whining—the stronger the daughter”. Our first blog assignment it to write 300-500 words on our mother(s). I am not sure 500 words can do justice to my mothers (my mom and nana).

          I guess I will start with my nana. The baby of nine, she was born strong and died strong. She taught my mom how to love and be a mother and she taught me how to as well. She was always a fighter. We called her Annie Oakley. She always had a gun. She shot snakes and coyotes, and anything else that threatened her dogs or garden. She had a love for making things. She made me dresses when I was little and made my brother a stick horse. She died a slow death and I hate those who let her suffer. But even in her suffering she never let her spirit die. She fought and taught us that no matter how hard life gets, it’s going to get better, and never quit fighting for what you want, because one day you will get it.

          As for my own mother, well she has taught me a lot. She has taught me that the only way a woman can be is strong and independent. My mom has been a single mom for the past 17 years. Nine years ago she became paralyzed. She had a vertebrae rupture and puncture her spine. For over a year my mom was in a wheelchair. But she never let that stop her. She still did everything we needed her to. She still came to show choir performances and baseball games. She never let us know how bad it hurt her to be the mom she always had been but she never stopped. She never let us give up on something we wanted because she was sick. My mom by prayers, hard work, physical therapy, and three surgeries is out of her wheel chair. She never once gave up or let my brother and I give up. She stands beside us when no one else does.

          My mothers have been the biggest blessing I have ever received, next to my son. If not for my mothers I would be a lost soul. They have made me a strong woman. They have made me a woman who knows what she wants and what she has to do to get it.